You know what? I hope your happy.


I'm certainly not.

You asked me what was wrong. I told you time again, it was nothing. But you did not believe me. I said, "If there was something wrong, I'd hide it better."

I don't know if I really wanted to hide it. I read your blog. That niggling suspicion in the back of your mind. That little thought that comes through your mind, that one where you think, "What would happen if I just ended it all?" You've thought that. That thought never leaves. You try to kid yourself that it's not all that bad, that it's really quite alright, but once that thought enters your mind, that's it. There's not going back. That thought will never leave. It doesn't leave. It can't leave. And it eats away inside. As soon as that thought enters your mind, it's all over.

It's all over, isn't it?

I know what that thought does. I've had that thought. But if you have it now, then promise me that you wont drag it out.

Because that, I couldn't take...

"It is no accident that you are reading this. I am making black marks on white paper. These marks are my thoughts, and although I do not know who you are reading this now, in some way the lines of our lives have intersected... For the length of these few sentences, we meet here.

It is no accident that you are reading this. This moment has been waiting for you, I have been waiting for you. Remember me."

- Duane Michals

I've come to the realisation that... You're my everything. Pretty much. Even though I promised myself you wouldn't be.

You asked what I wanted? Well, I don't really know what I want, but I'll tell you what I need; I need you. I need you in my arms. I need you to hold my hand, to hold me close, to not let me go. I need your skin against mine. I need your voice whispering in my ear, telling me softly that you love me. I need to lie there in silence, our bodies touching but oh, so innocently. I need you. Every inch of you. Without worries, without interruptions, without anything to spoil the moment that should last forever. Just you. And me. Is that too much to ask for? I fear it is... I hope not. Because that's all I could ever want. Or need. I wonder is anyone will ever let me have it? Please? I just want you. That's all. No complications. Just you.

Just you xxxx

I don't know what's worse - the fact that you listen to Taylor Swift to "Calm yourself down" or the fact that you know what makes you feel better when shit like this happens..

I'll ride it out.

I'm not ok. I'm really not. No matter how hard I try to be, I know that I'm not. I can't do this any more, I just can't. I"m so goddamned fucking sick of all of this shit. I hate her. I hate this. I can't do this any more. I want to leave, I want to run as far a fucking way as I can, and I don't want to stop. I can't do this any more. I just can't.

It's like the shards of a mirror, all scattered around, glimmering and suggesting a life once had, small glances of images past. Like a puddle in the rain, rippling and distorting the image. I supposed, it's not rain any more. It's now the sludgy remains of liquefaction. The house is not safe. Neither am I. We no longer stands up, not by ourselves. There are some good days, and some bad. More bad than other, now. I just want to have piece, a few moments to get away from it all. But the more the moments, the harder it is to return to reality. I was fine, today. And then reality hit, with that phone call from mum. But I wasn't about to let it ruin anything xx

But reality has struck again. And I want out of it. I need out of it. But there's nothing that anything can do to fix it at the moment. I'll just have to ride it out, like a good girl :)

I will ride it out. I always do :) There's nothing else to do, now, but ride  it out.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up this suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't yours any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats your out, and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter and working its way into your heart. It's hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-your-heart pain. I hate love.

-- Neil Gaiman.

I love you...

Plain and simple xx

So much <3 x <3 x <3

You know what? I just don't think I can take this any more. I just can't be fucked. I'm sorry. I don't function like a normal human being. I just can't. Normal bores me. I tend to lash out. I say silly things. I'm sorry. But I just don't know. I wish I did.

I still don't understand why though. And don't give me all that crap.

I just want one really fucking big earthquake to come along.

I want to feel alive again. Please just remind me how.

I just need music. I need something to take my mind off everything. I just want to sink into the abyss of nothingness and come out the other end as something new. Something that I may actually like.

I'm sick of all this shit.

I need my music.

It was the scariest dream that I have ever had. It hurt. So much. And there is nothing that I could do about it.

I had to fill out this test type of thing - I can't remember what it was for. But there was supposed to be a whole group of us that were doing it. At Brodie's house. Only it wasn't really his house. Anyway, I was sick. Really sick. I couldn't go to his house to do the test with everyone else. And I hated it. I did the test, and decided, fuck it: I'm well enough. I'm going over.

So I did. And when I got there, he was shocked. He didn't expect me to come. I didn't expect to go either. But he was so happy to see me. And I to see him. And we hugged. For ages.

And then his mum came in. And she went wild. How dare I be anywhere near her son with my illness. I franticly pleaded that I was here for no harm, and I was just dropping off my test! She wasn't having a bar of it. She screeched and ordered me out of her house, and left Brodie's room.

We hugged. He didn't want to let me go. I didn't want to let go. And then we heard his mother coming back up the stairs. We both freaked out, and he hid me under his bed. His mother found me. She pulled me out from my hiding spot and dragged me down the stairs and outside. Brodie was protesting. He was shoved in the car, and I yelled I LOVE YOU. He went to say something, but I couldn't hear over the noise -

And then we were in this massive park. Like, a hiking place. Lots of hills and tracks built in. I don't know why I followed, but I did. And his mother kept on trying to take him away. He managed to grab my hand and we got away from his parents. And we sat there. And we hugged and talked and sat there and basked in each other's presents.

And he got taken away from me.

And he got placed back in the car.

And he went to say something, mouth it as he was being dragged off so that his mother wouldn't notice. I think he said I love you. And he went to say something else. But his mother appeared. And I woke up.

I freaking had to wake up.

Gargh. I hate dreams. They tell you everything that you don't want to know.