My GOD mother!!! You are such a fucking idoit!!!!!!!! FUCK.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN???
This is all just fucking bullshitting bollocking pieces of fucking arse shitting crap that you have decided to pull from your fucking arse AND I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR IT, YOU LOATHSOME COW.
So, you know what? Fuck. You. You can litterly go rot in a small, dark, damp, smelly little crevise for the rest of your God dammed life, because I want not a thing to do with you ever a-fucking-gain.
Got it?
Good.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Monday, 20 September 2010
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Last night, well, this morning, I had another dream.
I was a princess - come on, bare with me, we're all allowed to have princess dreams - with the most beautiful silver gown, something that Henry VIII's court would wear. This went along with my stunning silver hair, it was just massive amounts, and I was so pretty, I mean the face wasn't me. This woman had the most beautiful features ever. The dream started off with me trying to keep time with out a metronome on this i-pod touch app. Weird. I know.
But, then, there were all these silver dragony-type things that swooped in over our village and were eating all of the people. They looked kinda like this -
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtqMO9N3am56ofII74z3z7w17ZPXgiBkTcFCChm65hyJn6GeC74vjQBc8FPxV69okDTHH_YjYEJ7apl9sVLgDrU-anab1GP-Ga68TsMho0diVthZkck_4IZ9xNV2OuenKNazIFl-L3mfI/s400/Father's+Day+Banner.png
Only silver. More of a dirty silver.
Anyway. They wanted me. I don't know why. So everyone was trying to protect me, so we hid inside a church, because the walls were strong and they couldn't break in. There were big doors at the entrance that everyone was staying away from. We were all huddled in the top few rows on the left hand side near the altar. My mother was crying. It wasn't Manda. It was this very kind looking older lady. She had short silvery-grey hair, done the way that old people have it. She was hugging me, and crying. I had to stay strong. I was wearing a green travelling cloak, with a hood, so that these things couldn't see my hair. But there was a section that lay on top of the hood. They had found me. All of a sudden, the priest stands up and says, "They want you. You must go to them. They are waiting." My mother shouted in protest. Everyone did. My sisters, the towns people, the rest of my family - all the men were gone. I stand up and say, "No. I must go, if it is to save you all, then I must." I give my mother and sisters one last hug, and kiss them goodbye, and walk out. I expect to be lead out the back of the altar, and off that way, but instead I'm directed to this door off to the left, just in front of this big wall that could be taken down, you know, those ones made out of carpet. There are two black men with short dreads outside. I was confused. Shouldn't the silver things be coming to get me? I have one arm out the door, and they grab onto it. I try and protest without setting the need for alarm. I thought I'd just be heading outside, this thing would eat me, and that'd be that. Maybe death was painless? Maybe there was something else out there? These men threw me off guard. But I was pushed out of he doorway, so I had to go. I asked them "Where are you taking me, what do you think you are doing?!" They sneered at me and said "We're taking you to the master. You're not going to them tings. We got a better plan for you." And they took me to this door not ten feet around the building from the last, and they dragged me in.
I was behind the carpeted wall. The bastards. They two black men pushed me into this really, rather handsome white man. Mid-late 20's. Stubble. Muscles for Africa. Wearing a welders helmet, and big thick gloves. And also cuffs. Two cuffs, eat attached to a long chain, attached to the wall. This guy was going to chain me to the wall. So, I said, "Look, it's hot in here. Can I take off some of my clothes before you chain me?" They black guys went to grab hold of me, but Mr. Stubble motioned them off. "I'll do that. We can't have you attacking us."
"Fine by me," I said, acting as sexy as I could.
He started taking off my tops, layer by layer - I had about four, it's winter, it was fecking freezing. But it was actually really hot by now, so, I was glad to be taking these clothes off. He took of the first, then the second and a third. I still had a white singlet on underneath. When the third top came off, my chest bounced out of it, and all he could do was stare. My plan was working. He cuffed my right hand in, and while he was distracted doing my left, I ran my hands across the crotch of his jeans. He twitched. He was finding this very difficult, so I leaned in real close, and whispered,
"How's about it?"
He quickly moved away realising that this wasn't what was supposed to be happening. Dammit I thought. Oh, well, and I turned around. We were still in the church. The Bastards!! I could still see the church. The bastards!! There wasn't even a wall to cover it!! It was leading right out to the altar! The view of me was restricted to the towns people, and all of my family. But it was right there!! I couldn't make any noise. I couldn't let the know I was here, or what might happen to them. These few washer women from the town came past, and saw me. I quickly motioned silence to them. Not a peep!
They just smiled. They're in on this too? Jesus. I think that they are those monster things in disguise. The black men may be too. But not this guy... not this guy.
The guy turned to me and said, "Now, you burn. And slowly." He dropped a zippo on the carpet, and it stated to light. As he said, very slowly. My shoes were in a small, up high dish. There were already starting to smoke. My clothes were near by. It was only a matter of time before they went up. And the curtains as well. Jayzus. I was faaack. I decided that I was going to die, so I wouldn't put out the tiny flame. And by the time that the flames began to lick at me, my family would be long gone, and they wouldn't hear my cries. The flame was very slowly building. Fuck this, I decided, and tried to blow the little flames out. Haha, success!! Followed by, Oh, shit. As I had decided, well, fuck this, I climbed up on the massive ornate window behind me, and pushed myself off, holding onto the cuffs. I made a swing so that everyone could see me, and come save me. All their heads were down in mourning. Feck. I hoped to high hell that someone had seen me, and they could at least send some men to come rescue me. Oh, no wait. They can't, I thought. They're all dead. Fml.
So here I was. Doomed to be burned to a crisp in the vain hope that it would save my family and all those whom were left. I'm such a freaking martyr.
And then, I woke up. I think that I may have died for my attempt of freedom, for everyone to have seen me. I don't know. But what I would like to know is this - why did my princess dream end in me having to sacrifice myself?? Shouldn't princesses have people to do that for them? Haha, idk. It was weird, I do know that.
I was a princess - come on, bare with me, we're all allowed to have princess dreams - with the most beautiful silver gown, something that Henry VIII's court would wear. This went along with my stunning silver hair, it was just massive amounts, and I was so pretty, I mean the face wasn't me. This woman had the most beautiful features ever. The dream started off with me trying to keep time with out a metronome on this i-pod touch app. Weird. I know.
But, then, there were all these silver dragony-type things that swooped in over our village and were eating all of the people. They looked kinda like this -
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtqMO9N3am56ofII74z3z7w17ZPXgiBkTcFCChm65hyJn6GeC74vjQBc8FPxV69okDTHH_YjYEJ7apl9sVLgDrU-anab1GP-Ga68TsMho0diVthZkck_4IZ9xNV2OuenKNazIFl-L3mfI/s400/Father's+Day+Banner.png
Only silver. More of a dirty silver.
Anyway. They wanted me. I don't know why. So everyone was trying to protect me, so we hid inside a church, because the walls were strong and they couldn't break in. There were big doors at the entrance that everyone was staying away from. We were all huddled in the top few rows on the left hand side near the altar. My mother was crying. It wasn't Manda. It was this very kind looking older lady. She had short silvery-grey hair, done the way that old people have it. She was hugging me, and crying. I had to stay strong. I was wearing a green travelling cloak, with a hood, so that these things couldn't see my hair. But there was a section that lay on top of the hood. They had found me. All of a sudden, the priest stands up and says, "They want you. You must go to them. They are waiting." My mother shouted in protest. Everyone did. My sisters, the towns people, the rest of my family - all the men were gone. I stand up and say, "No. I must go, if it is to save you all, then I must." I give my mother and sisters one last hug, and kiss them goodbye, and walk out. I expect to be lead out the back of the altar, and off that way, but instead I'm directed to this door off to the left, just in front of this big wall that could be taken down, you know, those ones made out of carpet. There are two black men with short dreads outside. I was confused. Shouldn't the silver things be coming to get me? I have one arm out the door, and they grab onto it. I try and protest without setting the need for alarm. I thought I'd just be heading outside, this thing would eat me, and that'd be that. Maybe death was painless? Maybe there was something else out there? These men threw me off guard. But I was pushed out of he doorway, so I had to go. I asked them "Where are you taking me, what do you think you are doing?!" They sneered at me and said "We're taking you to the master. You're not going to them tings. We got a better plan for you." And they took me to this door not ten feet around the building from the last, and they dragged me in.
I was behind the carpeted wall. The bastards. They two black men pushed me into this really, rather handsome white man. Mid-late 20's. Stubble. Muscles for Africa. Wearing a welders helmet, and big thick gloves. And also cuffs. Two cuffs, eat attached to a long chain, attached to the wall. This guy was going to chain me to the wall. So, I said, "Look, it's hot in here. Can I take off some of my clothes before you chain me?" They black guys went to grab hold of me, but Mr. Stubble motioned them off. "I'll do that. We can't have you attacking us."
"Fine by me," I said, acting as sexy as I could.
He started taking off my tops, layer by layer - I had about four, it's winter, it was fecking freezing. But it was actually really hot by now, so, I was glad to be taking these clothes off. He took of the first, then the second and a third. I still had a white singlet on underneath. When the third top came off, my chest bounced out of it, and all he could do was stare. My plan was working. He cuffed my right hand in, and while he was distracted doing my left, I ran my hands across the crotch of his jeans. He twitched. He was finding this very difficult, so I leaned in real close, and whispered,
"How's about it?"
He quickly moved away realising that this wasn't what was supposed to be happening. Dammit I thought. Oh, well, and I turned around. We were still in the church. The Bastards!! I could still see the church. The bastards!! There wasn't even a wall to cover it!! It was leading right out to the altar! The view of me was restricted to the towns people, and all of my family. But it was right there!! I couldn't make any noise. I couldn't let the know I was here, or what might happen to them. These few washer women from the town came past, and saw me. I quickly motioned silence to them. Not a peep!
They just smiled. They're in on this too? Jesus. I think that they are those monster things in disguise. The black men may be too. But not this guy... not this guy.
The guy turned to me and said, "Now, you burn. And slowly." He dropped a zippo on the carpet, and it stated to light. As he said, very slowly. My shoes were in a small, up high dish. There were already starting to smoke. My clothes were near by. It was only a matter of time before they went up. And the curtains as well. Jayzus. I was faaack. I decided that I was going to die, so I wouldn't put out the tiny flame. And by the time that the flames began to lick at me, my family would be long gone, and they wouldn't hear my cries. The flame was very slowly building. Fuck this, I decided, and tried to blow the little flames out. Haha, success!! Followed by, Oh, shit. As I had decided, well, fuck this, I climbed up on the massive ornate window behind me, and pushed myself off, holding onto the cuffs. I made a swing so that everyone could see me, and come save me. All their heads were down in mourning. Feck. I hoped to high hell that someone had seen me, and they could at least send some men to come rescue me. Oh, no wait. They can't, I thought. They're all dead. Fml.
So here I was. Doomed to be burned to a crisp in the vain hope that it would save my family and all those whom were left. I'm such a freaking martyr.
And then, I woke up. I think that I may have died for my attempt of freedom, for everyone to have seen me. I don't know. But what I would like to know is this - why did my princess dream end in me having to sacrifice myself?? Shouldn't princesses have people to do that for them? Haha, idk. It was weird, I do know that.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
You know what, fuck you. Fuck fucking you. Everybody else is allowed a life, why not I? You say that I can't go out because of the earthquake. Well, fuck that!!! Of course there is going to be more fucking aftershocks!!! And that's why you're not letting me out??! What the hell is wrong wi'you??
All I wanted to do today was go and see my boyfriend. I haven't seen him, I've hardly fucking spoken to him, since last fucking Thursday. Because every single time I try to speak to him, you want the fucking computer. You want it to watch a movie. You need to check your facebook. You want to fucking do this, to fucking well do that, the whole fuck load of you need to back the fuck off.
I am srsly over my family. Fucking granny and granddad are over now. And they're eating all of my fucking ham. Retards. All I wanted to do today was get a hug. Hug someone. Talk to someone that wasn't my family, talk about things that weren't the quake. Escape from reality for just a few goddamned moments. Now, all I want is Ella to fuck off and die, my mother to shut the fuck up and make me a sandwich, my grandma to shut the fuck up about her knee, and rose to get the fuck away from me! Is it too much to ask? Just to spend a little time with people I like? Someone that I want to be with?
All I wanted to do today was go and see my boyfriend. I haven't seen him, I've hardly fucking spoken to him, since last fucking Thursday. Because every single time I try to speak to him, you want the fucking computer. You want it to watch a movie. You need to check your facebook. You want to fucking do this, to fucking well do that, the whole fuck load of you need to back the fuck off.
I am srsly over my family. Fucking granny and granddad are over now. And they're eating all of my fucking ham. Retards. All I wanted to do today was get a hug. Hug someone. Talk to someone that wasn't my family, talk about things that weren't the quake. Escape from reality for just a few goddamned moments. Now, all I want is Ella to fuck off and die, my mother to shut the fuck up and make me a sandwich, my grandma to shut the fuck up about her knee, and rose to get the fuck away from me! Is it too much to ask? Just to spend a little time with people I like? Someone that I want to be with?
Friday, 3 September 2010
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
Shhh...
Once you've tasted that burn, felt that rush, experienced that power you can't stop yourself. Your body seems to seek out, to crave more and more punishment. I guess that's why we fall in love. Or is it just lust? I think so. How do we, mere mortals, understand such a concept?
Sitting in the dark. Stealth typing. It's the only way that I can express these words. When I know that no one is watching. When I can barely see what these words are myself.
I can't contradict words that I haven't read.
"A wise woman kisses, but doesn't love, Listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."
And now, I believe it is time to leave. I know I wont be left. But, I think that I no longer love. And how can one believe when one has nothing left to listen to? I cant remember the last time that we spoke for hours. Mns goes silent. The phone never rings. Barely a text. Only really to ask when I' coming over.
I don't know if you're going to read any of this. In a way, I hope you do. In another, you don't. I want to say this to your face. But, then, what the hell am I supposed to say to you? What if I end up like Ella's friend...?
We never talk. Not any more. Who would want to use words, now a days. All you need to know about a person you can get from the moment that they walk into a room.
I was drunk.
I just don't have the time any more. And we both know that I'm not good enough. You deserve someone whose mother doesn't control their life, and who will give you what you want, what you need. Someone who will spend every possible moment with you, someone who plays video-games, someone who just isn't me.
We just don't talk like we used to. And, you know, what? Sometimes I forget why I'm with you. I do. And I don't want to. I lay here for well over a hour last night shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming thick and fast down my cheeks like the cascading torrents of a waterfall. All because I planted the idea in my head that I was going to end it with you. And I really think that I am. Because you do deserve someone better than me.
You deserve so much more.
x
Sitting in the dark. Stealth typing. It's the only way that I can express these words. When I know that no one is watching. When I can barely see what these words are myself.
I can't contradict words that I haven't read.
"A wise woman kisses, but doesn't love, Listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."
And now, I believe it is time to leave. I know I wont be left. But, I think that I no longer love. And how can one believe when one has nothing left to listen to? I cant remember the last time that we spoke for hours. Mns goes silent. The phone never rings. Barely a text. Only really to ask when I' coming over.
I don't know if you're going to read any of this. In a way, I hope you do. In another, you don't. I want to say this to your face. But, then, what the hell am I supposed to say to you? What if I end up like Ella's friend...?
We never talk. Not any more. Who would want to use words, now a days. All you need to know about a person you can get from the moment that they walk into a room.
I was drunk.
I just don't have the time any more. And we both know that I'm not good enough. You deserve someone whose mother doesn't control their life, and who will give you what you want, what you need. Someone who will spend every possible moment with you, someone who plays video-games, someone who just isn't me.
We just don't talk like we used to. And, you know, what? Sometimes I forget why I'm with you. I do. And I don't want to. I lay here for well over a hour last night shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming thick and fast down my cheeks like the cascading torrents of a waterfall. All because I planted the idea in my head that I was going to end it with you. And I really think that I am. Because you do deserve someone better than me.
You deserve so much more.
x
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