I feel so horrendously and utterly inadequate. I couldn't even do something that is supposed to be so simple, so right, so frikken natural and I couldn't. Even. Get. That. Right.
Gargh.
It all failed so utterly miserably, and my god. I feel so ashamed. So... Like, an abomination. I feel revolted, and disgusted at myself for fucking up so. Fucking. Badly.
He says it was fine. It's not fine. It is so not fine.
I feel wrong. I feel violated. I feel empty, like something is missing. well, it is missing. But it just doesn't feel right. And this will be etched in our brains forever. Forever.
I want to go and sit out in the rain right now. I wish to have the harsh bitter cold drive a new pain into me, so that I can forget about this one. But, I'll never forget about this one. Ever. No amount of alcohol or substance can erase what you already know to be burned into your mind forever.
I'm writing this at the hope that someone might just reach out. That someone might say something. But, I know that they wont. I, like a million and one thousand others write until I can't write any more in the vain hope that someone will read this and hear my pain, but no one ever looks. No one ever notices. And, why should they? Precisely. Why should they.
And I don't want to tell you. I sure as fuck do not want to tell either or you. I have got no fucking clue who the hell you've already told the small amount that I have mentioned. I'm betting that you're boyfriend already know. Fuck, how I hate him. He is always there. Yes, I get it, he is your boyfriend. But, what happened to us? What happened to the times that we used to spend together just chatting, as girls do? Who the fuck else that you told????
Because I just can't. Fucking. trust you anymore.
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