I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we're not all heartless cows like yourself.

Breathing.

could you come a little closer? slide that way you slide, so shy, wanting mouth open, try to suck in enough air to pacify the limits of lungs so useless in the dark mantle of these deeds, haunting your fingertips as they trace the contours of my lips, speaking too deaf silence closer my love, there will be no more breathing: quiet these vain protests echoing past the dying candle; nononononono, i don’t want this any more than you want the icy prongs of betrayal along the spine, harrowing soil to bear the fruit of your transgressions, elevated in your judas gaze; oh, darling, this heat is consuming the oxygen in the room of four, volatile hatred turned to lust; oh, woe are we caught in the movements that drag our tongues together, choking each other to the rhythm of two hearts bleeding into a single pool of glimmering vice.

- Fu-zu Jen, 7.13.99

OK, my dream last night was really

well, I would say weird. But it was so fantastic.

One of those ones where you really hate to get up.

I was part of this big competition. A food making one. We got given a list of ingredients once, had to remember them, and then make this dish, but we only got the title as to guess what it was. And I was running around like a mad thing trying to figure out what these ingredients were - we ended up with pickled onions, tortilla wraps, olives and something else... I think we were suppose to make a pie for some reason. I was all set to win this on, I was really confident. I saw cook, and went over to help her with her ingredients. She had flour because someone had told her that they were making a pastry. I looked around and saw that everyone had those ingredients, so I quickly followed suit, and scolded myself for not listening hard enough to the ingredients, although I had been SURE that there was only three or four ingredients read out. I thought, Tomorrow, I will pay more attention, I'll have a pen and pad, and I shall win this.
Got back to my station, and Liz and Anna were next to me.
"I thought that we were supposed to work by ourselves?"
"We are," Liz replied. "But I doubt that they'll come and check on us."
"Clever," I laughed.

And then I felt that all to familiar hand around my neck. I turned around thinking Brodie, but saw Edward. I would have thought that my heart would've sank, but it didn't. It leapt higher than it ever has before, and he pulled me into his arms and hugged me. Even though he'd just broken my heart so much, I was still so happy to see him. And we laughed, and rolled around on the floor kissing in this massive warehouse that we were in. I knew that Edward was Brodie. But the change of facial appearances made it all right. And we spent the next two hours like that, when I should have been cooking. I was just in his arms again, and it felt so right.

But, soon, I began to think, "What if people see us together like this? You left me. What are they all going to say?"
"Well, then, you say: 'He's come back! And I am taking him back!' That's what you say."
"But, what about my boyfriend?"
"Tell him he's dumped. You don't need him any more, you've got me." And he smiled that oh, so charming smile that he does. But my rational thought was coming back to me. "You said that the passion has all gone. Usually when somebody says that, it's completely and one hundred percent over." To which, the bastard replied as he put his hand on my neck once more, which melted all my worries, and made me stop worrying, "But, this is what you want now, isn't it? Everything that you once had back to the way it was, and in full glory?"

Bastard. I nodded in a very dazed fashion, just so glad to have his skin on mine again.

And he left. I had neglected my cooking, so I had a lot to catch up on. Apparently, it only took 25 minutes to make. Why we had two hours, I don't know. But it could have just felt like that. And once again, I was left with a decision. Who do I choose? After all the grief he's caused me, do I go back?

Of course, before I can get my answer, someone texts my phone (Which I am yet to find) and I snap out of it. Bastards.

But, still. I want to know... If he does come back, do I take him?

Please, please read this. Please.

I am so sorry. Please, just hear me out.

Please, please know that I still love you so freaking much, and I want more than anything for us to be once more.

And please believe me when I say that walking out of that room was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my entire life, and it took every single fibre of my being not to run back to you and hug you, and hold you, and tell you that it'd all be better - that it'd all be ok, and make the hurt vanish.

I probably shouldn't have sent you that text directly after I left saying that I love you, but you probably shouldn't have said, that I'm sorry that you'll miss me.

I still want to turn back time. I wish to God Almighty that I can turn back time and run into your arms and make it all better, and now, I can't get the image of you sitting on the floor - a broken man - out of my head, and it keeps on running through there at a million miles an hour and I want it to stop, oh, please Christ, make it stop!

And no matter how much I tell myself that I wont cry, I can't help but feel the tears flowing faster than I can stop them, thick and fast down my chin, and I want this all to stop, and I just want to talk to you one more time, and I want to make this whole shit all better -

But there's no point in me doing that. Because I've always told other people that it's not really as bad as it seems. That you could always have it worse. And that you do have your whole entire life ahead of you.
And, it's right. I could be a whole lot more fucked. It's not like this is my marriage dissolving in front of me, and I have kids to support. It's not as if I'll never love anyone again...

But right now it feels like I wont ever want anyone else again.

I've fucked up. Big time.

But, what do you expect me to do, how does one react when hours before a party, a phone call is had and the words spoken through the receiver are: "The passion has gone." And you expected me to stay at your party?

But, I am still so very, very, very, very, incredibly sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your night. I am so so sorry. And I really hope that your parents don't think badly of me now.

Brodie Richards, I love you. I love you still. And I really, really don't want this to end... But, I guess shit happens. I just want you to know that this shit's been great.




Fuck. And here I was questioning if I'd really leave New Zealand, or if I'd stay.

Type your name: Madeleine.

Type it with your elbow: m,adeleiner.

Type it with your noes: madeleinew.

Type it with your eyes closed: Madeleing. (why do I always do that?)

If you want me,
then I'm right where I was left.
But don't stop to smell the roses -
People have a habit of fidgeting,
And never stay situated for long.

This fucking sucks. So goddamned freaking much. And the worst part of this all, is that it's all around me, and no matter what I do, I can't seem to escape it...

Life's crap. Then you die.

Death of a person. Death of a relationship. Death of an opertunity. Death of yourself. It's all a fuckinground you.

And you know what? I'm done.

The tree of man was ever silent. Then, twas the Roman. Now, tis I.

I miss you. Miss you so freaking much. And you wanna know what makes this hurt the most? You're right here. You're right here, and you wont even talk to me.

I wonder, sometimes, if I really made the right decision? I could have stayed as I was. I could have stayed at Girls High. If I had, would this have happened? Or, if the situation was reversed... and instead of going to one party, I went to another... I want to know. I want to know if this is right, if this is real, if it'll stay, or go, and when it does, how long do I have? Months? Days? What are you thinking? I need to know what is on your mind. But how do you ask such a question? And, even if I did ask, would you even tell me?

Do I even know you?

My God... do I? I'm not too sure now... I'm starting to doubt everything that I know. Or, rather, have known. A while ago, I suggested that you didn't know me. But, my God, you know me inside and out.

I love you.

Fuck.

Why must I love you?

If you're not here, you dumbarse, how the hell am I supposed to pass this year??

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe me right now.

--......................--
D`x

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

One: A guy with strong arms.
Two: If you can make me laugh, then honey, I'm yours.
Three: Blowing on my neck :p goddamn it, Brodie Richards. I love you, you bastard <3

Okay, so - this is what my dream was last night.

For some reason Ella and I were flying to America with Elias, and we got on this big arse plane (I can't remember how we got on the plane, but I know that there was some sort of back story to that) and flew to Auckland, I think, although, it wasn't really Auckland, it was still her.
ANYWAY.
We were sitting on the plane for freaking hours, and it kept on getting delayed, and kept on getting delayed - Ella and I both had three seats to ourselves - so we were lounging about, playing cards. We decided that we'd get off the plane, and go get coffee, go for a wee bit of shopping, and then get back on and go. So, we got off. We headed into the strip, and went shopping. The road was still the same, but all the shops were different. Ella wanted coffee, there was a starbucks. We went in, I decided that I didn't want anything. Her and Elias went off, then I decided that I did want some. But not there were so many people in there. And the lady was chatting to them all, and she wasn't making my goddammed gande white chocolate mocca with two extra shots, and whipped cream. (I remember thinking that I would definitely be able to pay for it, because I was going to America, and I wouldn't need any bus money.)
I ended up yelling at the lady, and everyone else in the coffee shop to SHUT, THE FUCK UP! I HAVE TO GO CATCH A PLANE, AND I WANT MY GODDANED COFFEE, SO PLEASE WILL YOU ALL BE QUIET AND MAKE MY COFFEE. I am sorry for yelling, it is out of order, but I just want to get back into the plane. She made it. Very quietly. It was very awkward in that coffee shop.

Oh, I've just remembered - we were going to Jess's wedding... in Timaru.. But we were going to go to America... Wow, dreams are fucked up...

They had gone, dissipated. And some old lady was touching my cards! [I don't know why, but two backs of cards were laid out on three metal tables over by the tram tracks underneath that sculpture) and I had to get back to that freaking plane.

And all of a sudden, I wasn't me. I was a kid. And there were four others. And we had to fly back to the plane. When we jumped, we jumped so high, and we flue. But, not everyone could do it. The littlest couldn't. A wee blond boy. And my god, we were up high. We passed over this massive trampoline, and fields, and trees. And I was trying to carry some of the others when they couldn't fly. We were up so high, I kept on thinking that a drop would've killed us.

We made it back to the plane, and I was me again, and I had my coffee, and I had these fantastic shoes! Oh my god, they were brilliant! Red, with strap that went across the foot - so gorgeous. But, the plane wasn't a plane, it was a cat (and this fact was accepted) and the shoes morphed into a massive version, and went onto the cats feet [I remember thinking, the cat can't take off without wheels, how can it run in heels?) and promptly ran off, leaving me with a cold coffee, and not on the plane.


FML.

This past week has really made me question my life. My existance. And, to be honest, I am so very muchly over it. I am sick to death of the lies - the lies I tell my mother, the lies that others keep from me. I'm sick of the bitching. I'm sick of the failings. I'm just over everything.
I was talking to this guy called Aron from Norway [?] the other day. He's 22, and his girlfriend of 7 years just broke up with him. It was kinda depressing. But, I still gave advice, even though he's 5 years my senior, and I have no experience what so ever. It just made me think about everything in my life at the moment. And that made me think about what Fiona said...
I didn't mean to make it all about me, and I apologise if I have. I'm sorry.
And, thanks. Thanks for making me feel like crap. Good on you, Fiona. Really. Top knotch right there.

Day Seven: Four turn offs

One: Rudeness and arrogance.
Two: Not washing. For god's sake man, it's called SOAP!!
Three: if they say that they love me really quickly. It's kiiiiinda creepy.
Four: That creepy factor - you know the one that I'm talking about.

You're not mine. But, then again, I don't ever think that you were meant to be mine. I have my own. All you were was a fantastic fansy, that sat with me that day. You're hers. And I'm not surprised in the slightest. But, you have yours. And I have mine. I can't help, though, but be slightly sad. I've lost the race. I'm not used to loosing. But we're from two different scales. And you were never meant to be mine.

Day Six: Five people that mean a lot to you in no particular order

One: Brodie Richards
Two: Marian Dewar.
Three: Miriam Adams
Four: Rhiannon Meerveld
Five: Amanda Fiddes.

Day Five: Six things you've never done.

One: I’ve never done something without thinking about it first.
Two: Gotten so piss-drunk that I can’t remember what was going on.
Three: Bungee jump.
Four: Sneak out.
Five: Failed a class (give it some time, though ><)
Six: Slept out under the stars.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind

One: I have a headache.
Two: I'm fucked.
Three: I wonder how Brodie is.
Four: last night was fun.
Five: I dislike my mother.
Six: I want to have a life.
Seven: I love you. So much. You're truly amazing xx

Day Three: Eight ways to your heart.

1. Cliches. I love em.
2. Be honest. I know when your lying.
3. Talk to me. That's all I ask. make me laugh.
4. Don't forget about me.
5. Love me. If you don't, then don't bother.
6. Grab a hold of me. If I'm falling you should know me well enough to grab as tight as you can and never let go.
7. Be cute. Hug me. Whisper things in my ear.
8. Don't be Offended by what I say. It's me. I can't change it. Nor will my hair conform to your ways.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

One: I don't like people who are rude to their mothers.
Two: I procrastinate like hell.
Three: I have a soft spot for hotties.
Four: I love to create things. Anything. Just as long as my hands are busy, and my mind is flowing.
Five: I don't like my body. Not any more.
Six: I Love you. Is that ok? I hope so.
Seven: I wish I read more.
Eight: I want to learn to write great tales.
Nine: I still sleep with teddies.

Day one: Ten things to ten people.

One: Lex, thank you. for everything. And, yes, I'm stealing this. So, credit to you :] xx
Two: I hate you. I loath you so freaking much because you wont let me have a life. You don't know what the hell you are talking about, so shut the fuck up, and let me get on with what I know, so why not you do the same?
Three: Why?? Why choose now? What's your ploy?
Four: I'm slipping. Will you catch me? I don't know any more.
Five: My GOD, you're GORGEOUS. Do you realise this?
Six: Fiona, Fuck you. Srsly.
Seven: We were 7. We didn't know what a having a "thing" for someone else was back then.
Eight: I don't need you calling my mother. This is my schooling. You will talk to me before whining off to her. I have done the work that you asked for, you whining little git. And the reason that I wasn't doing more today was because A) you fucked off when I arrived, so I had no CLUE what the hell that we were doing, and B) you were freaking TELLING us what we were going to do for our next freaking topic, you mad arse! Gargh. Rot in hell, you wanker.
Nine: Thank you for helping me choose my classes. It's too bad that I can't do yours because she thinks it's for cabbages.
Ten: Thanks, Josh. You're a lifesaver x

Borrowed from a friend.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order)

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession.

Brodie Richard, Fuck you :)

Fuck. You. That's all that I have to fucking well say to you. Right and Royally fuck you. I do fucking get off my arse and do shit around here, it's that lazy fuckker that does shit all. I do clean the house all the fucking time. Stop comparing me to that lazy fuckker, that hasn't the decency to wipe her own fucking arse and wants the world to do it for her. I do clean the fecking kitchen, the bathroom, so Mother. Shut. The fuck. Up. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Ranting

My GOD mother!!! You are such a fucking idoit!!!!!!!! FUCK.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN???

This is all just fucking bullshitting bollocking pieces of fucking arse shitting crap that you have decided to pull from your fucking arse AND I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR IT, YOU LOATHSOME COW.

So, you know what? Fuck. You. You can litterly go rot in a small, dark, damp, smelly little crevise for the rest of your God dammed life, because I want not a thing to do with you ever a-fucking-gain.

Got it?

Good.

I wonder if you've realised that this past month has made me hate you more and fucking more.

I cannot be arsed with this crap anymore. I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. I just want to cry. How's about it?

Last night, well, this morning, I had another dream.

I was a princess - come on, bare with me, we're all allowed to have princess dreams - with the most beautiful silver gown, something that Henry VIII's court would wear. This went along with my stunning silver hair, it was just massive amounts, and I was so pretty, I mean the face wasn't me. This woman had the most beautiful features ever. The dream started off with me trying to keep time with out a metronome on this i-pod touch app. Weird. I know.

But, then, there were all these silver dragony-type things that swooped in over our village and were eating all of the people. They looked kinda like this -

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtqMO9N3am56ofII74z3z7w17ZPXgiBkTcFCChm65hyJn6GeC74vjQBc8FPxV69okDTHH_YjYEJ7apl9sVLgDrU-anab1GP-Ga68TsMho0diVthZkck_4IZ9xNV2OuenKNazIFl-L3mfI/s400/Father's+Day+Banner.png

Only silver. More of a dirty silver.

Anyway. They wanted me. I don't know why. So everyone was trying to protect me, so we hid inside a church, because the walls were strong and they couldn't break in. There were big doors at the entrance that everyone was staying away from. We were all huddled in the top few rows on the left hand side near the altar. My mother was crying. It wasn't Manda. It was this very kind looking older lady. She had short silvery-grey hair, done the way that old people have it. She was hugging me, and crying. I had to stay strong. I was wearing a green travelling cloak, with a hood, so that these things couldn't see my hair. But there was a section that lay on top of the hood. They had found me. All of a sudden, the priest stands up and says, "They want you. You must go to them. They are waiting." My mother shouted in protest. Everyone did. My sisters, the towns people, the rest of my family - all the men were gone. I stand up and say, "No. I must go, if it is to save you all, then I must." I give my mother and sisters one last hug, and kiss them goodbye, and walk out. I expect to be lead out the back of the altar, and off that way, but instead I'm directed to this door off to the left, just in front of this big wall that could be taken down, you know, those ones made out of carpet. There are two black men with short dreads outside. I was confused. Shouldn't the silver things be coming to get me? I have one arm out the door, and they grab onto it. I try and protest without setting the need for alarm. I thought I'd just be heading outside, this thing would eat me, and that'd be that. Maybe death was painless? Maybe there was something else out there? These men threw me off guard. But I was pushed out of he doorway, so I had to go. I asked them "Where are you taking me, what do you think you are doing?!" They sneered at me and said "We're taking you to the master. You're not going to them tings. We got a better plan for you." And they took me to this door not ten feet around the building from the last, and they dragged me in.
I was behind the carpeted wall. The bastards. They two black men pushed me into this really, rather handsome white man. Mid-late 20's. Stubble. Muscles for Africa. Wearing a welders helmet, and big thick gloves. And also cuffs. Two cuffs, eat attached to a long chain, attached to the wall. This guy was going to chain me to the wall. So, I said, "Look, it's hot in here. Can I take off some of my clothes before you chain me?" They black guys went to grab hold of me, but Mr. Stubble motioned them off. "I'll do that. We can't have you attacking us."
"Fine by me," I said, acting as sexy as I could.
He started taking off my tops, layer by layer - I had about four, it's winter, it was fecking freezing. But it was actually really hot by now, so, I was glad to be taking these clothes off. He took of the first, then the second and a third. I still had a white singlet on underneath. When the third top came off, my chest bounced out of it, and all he could do was stare. My plan was working. He cuffed my right hand in, and while he was distracted doing my left, I ran my hands across the crotch of his jeans. He twitched. He was finding this very difficult, so I leaned in real close, and whispered,
"How's about it?"
He quickly moved away realising that this wasn't what was supposed to be happening. Dammit I thought. Oh, well, and I turned around. We were still in the church. The Bastards!! I could still see the church. The bastards!! There wasn't even a wall to cover it!! It was leading right out to the altar! The view of me was restricted to the towns people, and all of my family. But it was right there!! I couldn't make any noise. I couldn't let the know I was here, or what might happen to them. These few washer women from the town came past, and saw me. I quickly motioned silence to them. Not a peep!
They just smiled. They're in on this too? Jesus. I think that they are those monster things in disguise. The black men may be too. But not this guy... not this guy.

The guy turned to me and said, "Now, you burn. And slowly." He dropped a zippo on the carpet, and it stated to light. As he said, very slowly. My shoes were in a small, up high dish. There were already starting to smoke. My clothes were near by. It was only a matter of time before they went up. And the curtains as well. Jayzus. I was faaack. I decided that I was going to die, so I wouldn't put out the tiny flame. And by the time that the flames began to lick at me, my family would be long gone, and they wouldn't hear my cries. The flame was very slowly building. Fuck this, I decided, and tried to blow the little flames out. Haha, success!! Followed by, Oh, shit. As I had decided, well, fuck this, I climbed up on the massive ornate window behind me, and pushed myself off, holding onto the cuffs. I made a swing so that everyone could see me, and come save me. All their heads were down in mourning. Feck. I hoped to high hell that someone had seen me, and they could at least send some men to come rescue me. Oh, no wait. They can't, I thought. They're all dead. Fml.

So here I was. Doomed to be burned to a crisp in the vain hope that it would save my family and all those whom were left. I'm such a freaking martyr.

And then, I woke up. I think that I may have died for my attempt of freedom, for everyone to have seen me. I don't know. But what I would like to know is this - why did my princess dream end in me having to sacrifice myself?? Shouldn't princesses have people to do that for them? Haha, idk. It was weird, I do know that.

You know what, fuck you. Fuck fucking you. Everybody else is allowed a life, why not I? You say that I can't go out because of the earthquake. Well, fuck that!!! Of course there is going to be more fucking aftershocks!!! And that's why you're not letting me out??! What the hell is wrong wi'you??

All I wanted to do today was go and see my boyfriend. I haven't seen him, I've hardly fucking spoken to him, since last fucking Thursday. Because every single time I try to speak to him, you want the fucking computer. You want it to watch a movie. You need to check your facebook. You want to fucking do this, to fucking well do that, the whole fuck load of you need to back the fuck off.

I am srsly over my family. Fucking granny and granddad are over now. And they're eating all of my fucking ham. Retards. All I wanted to do today was get a hug. Hug someone. Talk to someone that wasn't my family, talk about things that weren't the quake. Escape from reality for just a few goddamned moments. Now, all I want is Ella to fuck off and die, my mother to shut the fuck up and make me a sandwich, my grandma to shut the fuck up about her knee, and rose to get the fuck away from me! Is it too much to ask? Just to spend a little time with people I like? Someone that I want to be with?

You now, I really love those times when you’re sitting on the computer, and you’re trying to make it look like you’re doing your work,
I need to do my work.
But right now it’s raining like a bitch outside.
I need food…
It’s cold.
I’m cold.
Keep me warm?

I had a dream last night.

I went to kiss Zach. There was so much tension in the air. We nearly kissed.

But, I have a boyfriend.

We didn't.

I need variety. Tension. Change.

Shhh...

Once you've tasted that burn, felt that rush, experienced that power you can't stop yourself. Your body seems to seek out, to crave more and more punishment. I guess that's why we fall in love. Or is it just lust? I think so. How do we, mere mortals, understand such a concept?
Sitting in the dark. Stealth typing. It's the only way that I can express these words. When I know that no one is watching. When I can barely see what these words are myself.
I can't contradict words that I haven't read.
"A wise woman kisses, but doesn't love, Listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."
And now, I believe it is time to leave. I know I wont be left. But, I think that I no longer love. And how can one believe when one has nothing left to listen to? I cant remember the last time that we spoke for hours. Mns goes silent. The phone never rings. Barely a text. Only really to ask when I' coming over.
I don't know if you're going to read any of this. In a way, I hope you do. In another, you don't. I want to say this to your face. But, then, what the hell am I supposed to say to you? What if I end up like Ella's friend...?
We never talk. Not any more. Who would want to use words, now a days. All you need to know about a person you can get from the moment that they walk into a room.
I was drunk.
I just don't have the time any more. And we both know that I'm not good enough. You deserve someone whose mother doesn't control their life, and who will give you what you want, what you need. Someone who will spend every possible moment with you, someone who plays video-games, someone who just isn't me.
We just don't talk like we used to. And, you know, what? Sometimes I forget why I'm with you. I do. And I don't want to. I lay here for well over a hour last night shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming thick and fast down my cheeks like the cascading torrents of a waterfall. All because I planted the idea in my head that I was going to end it with you. And I really think that I am. Because you do deserve someone better than me.
You deserve so much more.
x

You're not here.
Of course you're not here.
I can't do this any more, I just can't.
I need to talk to you, I need to talk to someone, but I can't, because I don't know who I'd talk to.
But I really need someone to know...

I can't cope with this any more. I just can't. There is no way in hell that I can do this. Tomorrow, I have a maths test in the morning, a textile assessment in the afternoon. The next day I have Drama, and I have to have an 100 page script down to 40 minutes with movements. Friday, I have to have done my photography written work, and have taken two films in Drama of the boys. I have to have had that script handed out on Thursday so that they can all learn it. Friday, I also need to hand in 5 written things for English.

I can't do it.

I can't cope with this shit.

I don't have time to see you.

And I hope to GOD that there wasn't a hole TT__TT

I had a dream last night, one of those really vivid ones. The type where when you're in the dream, that's all that matters. I dreamt that I was back at girls high. Me now, at Girls High. But, my hair was a wee bit longer, so I could tie it up, and make it look nice. And I was getting into uniform, and conforming. And, then, I got to girls high, and I had no idea what my classes were, so I had to go and ask at the office for a print out, and they gave me five really weird sheets, with all my classes on them. But, then it went dark, and I couldn't read them. And I wasn't in my uniform any more. I was in these really cool jeans, which I had just put on right there in the hallway. I put my shirt on top, and then my kilt - no tie - and got my cell phone out in order to find out which class I had. It was Tuesday, I'd been at drama the day before, and I hadn't yet told Fiona what was happening. That I couldn't do it any more, but I was going to try my damnedest to get to both. The sheet said I had History with Miss. Hornsy. And I was freaking out, because I had no tie, I couldn't see anyone I knew, and I was going back to them. I suddenly realised that my hair was up, and quickly yanked it down, and straightened it up. But, I was worried that it'd be below my collar, and I'd have to tie it back up again. But, fuck them, I thought. It's my hair, I am not conforming. I went into the class, just as Hornsy was taking the roll. I came in just as she said my name, and I stood there awkwardly. I took a seat in the dark, by myself, to later realise I was sitting next to Amberley and Anne. They had done so much in class, so much work in History, and I had done nothing, and there was no way in hell that I was going to make up the time, and Hornsy wasn't going to help me. And for some reason Stevo was in there, and Amberley was like, Oi, dude, what the hell is that doing in here. And to make it look like I wasn't nervous as fuck, I pulled myself together as much as I could, said, he was probably missing me, and then proceeded to go back to shitting myself internally.

I had no idea what I was going to do, I was going to fail this year miseribly, I was going to let down Fiona and everyone in Drama, I had no idea how to write an essay for History, and I was hating my mother for making me fail the year. I didn't know what I could do.

And it was one of those dreams where you wake up, and are bolt up right.

You know those times when somebody you love is in an argument, or a fight, or something, and all you want to do is go out and help them, save them, punch the other person in the face. Slap them senseless, and yell various amounts of abuse at the other person and get them to fuck off?

What are you supposed to do when you love both people?

I've just realised that my background is train tracks... Leading me off to some unknown destination.

Said to the man at the rail-road station. Give me a ticket. Just come on. He said, well. I you insist. Where d'you wanna go, miss?
Destination: Anywhere.
East or West: I don't care.
You see my baby, well he don't love me no more.
-Commitments, Destination anywhere.


I don't know why you're coming down here to see my production.
I don't want you down here to see my production.
It means that you have to meet all of my friends.
I don't want to introduce you to all my friends.

You're going to do nothing but judge me. Judge my production. My three lines >_< He'll say he likes it. But, I still want you no where near my life, Elias. No where near me, my friend, my work, my personality. You aren't part of me. You never were, you never shall be. No, actually, you are. You are everything I strive to stop in the world. Everything that I shall try with every single ounce of my being to not be. You've made me hate men. Hate myself. I don't trust anyone thanks to you. I don't like to tell people about you. you embarrass me. Please don't I know this sounds cruel but I don't want you talking to me in front of my friends. In front of people that I know. Because people ask questions. You've fucked EVERYTHING up for us. EVERYTHING. One day is NOT going to make any difference in my life.

It's my birthday. And you haven't even sent me a text. Not a word. Not an email. Not anything.

Thanks, mate.

Even Elias has sent me a text.
The Cassidy sisters sent me a thing on facebook.
People who I haven't seen for years.
Even YOUR friends.

Yes, I made a fuss, and said I didn't like birthdays;
I don't.
Yes, I told you I didn't want anything;
I don't.
I don't care if you don't get me anything, but you still could've said, "Hey." Not a single text. I would have say that I'd expect more from you.
I don't.

Hey Lex? Just - thanks.

Yeah.

Just, thanks.

4 Chords - Axis of Awesome.

My life is brilliant
My love is pure
I saw an angle
Of this I’m sure

Forever Young
I want to be Forever young

I won’t hesitate
No more no more
This cannot wait
I’m yours

This is the way you left me
I’m not pretending
No hope no love no glory
No happy ending

Cause you were amazing
And we did amazing thing

If I could
Then I would
I’ll go wherever go
Don’t let a day go by

And can
You feel
The love
Tonight

And she will be loved
Yes she will be loved

Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Hung up on your wall
For the world to see

Please don’t leave me
And I want a TV embrace

Cause I can’t live
With or with out you

When ever I fall
At your feet

You let your tears…

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken….

(Spoken): Double time,
(Spoken): Double time,


When I find myself
In times of trouble
Mother Mary Comes
To me
Sometimes I feel like
I don’t have a
Partner
Is that the way its gonna
Be little darling
We’ll go riding on the horses
Yeah, Yeah
No woman no cry
Mama surely was a dream
I come from a land down under
Once a jolly swagmen camped by a billabong
Thinking you true blue the funny things you do
Australia, Australia this is you
They say Taylor was a good girl, never one to be late
complain, express ideas in her brain.
Making love like I never made love before
I’m gonna make love to your baby

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
Ill be gone in a day or two

Save tonight
Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Find the break of dawn
There’s nothing that hundred men or more could ever do
I know she’s playing with me
But that’s ok because I have no self esteem
With a thousand eyes and a good disguise
You look me right between the eyes
Right between the eyes

Because it’s too late to apologize
It’s too late

Stacks on deck
Patrone on ice

We can pop bottles baby you can have what ever you like
Said you can have what ever you like

Yeah I’m not here for your entertainment
You don’t really wanna mess with me tonight

Cant read my cant read my
Poker face

Come on Barbie lets go party

Lost and insecure you found me
You found me
Lying on the floor surrounded
Surrounded

She wants to kiss me oh-oh
She wants to touch me wo-hoo
She wants to love me Wo-hoo
She will never leave me wo -hoo
Wo-ho oh oh

Enjoy your self take everything you need from him

Take you canvass bags
Take you canvass bags
Take you canvass bags to the supermarket
Take you canvass bags

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see

I’m more than a bird
I’m more than a plane

I’m a bird-plane,
A mother fucking bird-plane

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar that everyone wants a little more.
So that I do remember to never go that far,

That’s all it takes to be a star

Guess who.

- I remember, back in year 10. We were sitting in Drama class together. We got on really well, but I thought that you were a bit weird, haha. You are weird. But you're my little weirdo. I'm glad that you came to Hagley with me. We don't talk much, any more. Not like we did at the start of last year. We were really tight. But, I don't think that you're the same little weirdo that I grew to love, and that makes me sad.

- I always thought it was you two, and then me, haha. It kinda still is, in a way. But, then again, we've all branched apart, so it's not really. I think that we're all on equal ground now. I remember our pathetic attempts at exercise (we should really get back onto that, haha) were just an excuse to talk, and look at cute boys running past us. But, we've kinds lost that. You have them, now. It's not the same any more. You've forgotten about us. Well, not her. Never her. No matter what you two go through, you always end up back to how you were. But, just, don't forget about me, OK?

- Lantern festival, year 11. I think I wanted to be sick. With you two gaising longingly into each other's eyes under the stars. You were so innocent back then! And then you changed.. And everything was torn apart. The entire group split to their different ways, and here I was in the middle thinking, well, fuck this shit. And then, one of you decides that you're taking half the group, and not talking to the other half until the decided to grow up, because you can't be bothered with their dramas? Well, excuse me, sweetie, if that ain't the pot calling the kettle black. It took a while for that to all blow over. This year, we've all started anew. And, you're right - we have a new group, we've expanded. We know so many people now. And we all fit. I've really gained an insight into who you are, and I love you for letting me. I'll always be here for you, bébé, I love you so much. Please believe me when I say that you are beautiful in every single way. I'm usually right about these things. You're so wise and funny. Just, don't forget that I'll be waiting at the bottom with a bar of chocolate and a bandage when you fall.

- The cooler of the two :D when I find myself some of that boysenberry-ish type thing that was supposed too resemble a cheese cake, you're coming over to mine for a Jonas marathon. "You belong with me," man. You can't deny it! Taylor Swift said so!!

- For you, I'm not too sure what to say. I was about to say that we are yet to form memories, but it's too late for that. You're already ingrained in my mind forever. All I can say is that I love you. But it's like in the theatre, and the fourth wall. I'm good at naturalism. Epic theatre is not my strong point. I want to break down that fourth wall, and let it all out. But I don't know if I can do it. I've never let anyone in. Nobody knows the full story.

- And last, but certainly not least, it's you. My dear friend, oh, how I am glad that I've met you. We've had our fights, but we cannot help but make it all up. You're the only one who I let say half the shit you do!! Haha. Thanks. For everything. You know the full story, pretty much. You know my earlier years. I really, really regret that we've grown apart. Really, really regret. You have Lucy now, and you've missed out on parts of my story. Just as I have missed out on yours. I am making it my mission to get you back. I don't want to loose you. You and I were supposed to see the world together. We were supposed to live in France, and London, own haute couture, and live the high-life with all the shoes. The Shoezah!! Maybe one day, eh?

I got to know you.

Gargh. The only reason that I am on-line at the moment, is because I'm waiting for you to appear. Please, if your reading this, know how much I want to talk to you right now. I am actually considering picking up the phone and ringing you, I am that desperate to hear your voice. Please, please get better. I know what I said the other day about how you shouldn't be on the computer if your sick, well fuck that!!! Be on the computer!!! Please, I need to talk to you. I need to see you. I need to hear your voice so frikken badly it hurts.

I want to know how people see me. I want to know what I look like from the outside. I don't want any of this airy-fairy bollocks. I want you to tell me exactly who I am.
I'm a bitch. I am such a freaking cow.
I'm surprised I have anyone that stands buy me.
I'm such a stuck-up, pretentious, snobby git.
I'm so vain. I try to act like this tough bitch who you don't want to mess with. Fuck it.
I'm not fooling anyone.
I'm the one that everyone bitches about.
I'm the one that everyone says, "My God, she's so frikken annoying, no body likes her, she is such a stuck up snob! Eurgh, she thinks she is so cool. She's just a freaking wannabe!! Who the hell does she think she's fooling...?"

Alex told me that Shannon always bitched about me to him. Alex said that Shannon always told him, I fucking hate Madd, she's such a prissy wannabe, "have you seen the nose on that one? It's like a fucking Arab's, it's huge."

I'm actually sitting here, bawling my eyes out now. Is that how people describe me? That chick with the green hair, and the Noes? It's not the fact that he said it was big. I know it is. I've always hated my noes. But, the fact that Shannon said she looks like a fucking Arab.
Shannon, I am an Arab. Fuck you. My grandmother was Palestinian, and I am god-damned proud of that. It's the fact that you never even got to know me, you never even bothered to try!! Shannon, I got to know you, I tried. I may have been a bitch of a bitch to you, but I've never done it out of malice. I was only ever having a joke. And, to be honest, I was actually sad to see you go. I'd miss you. I always thought that you were alright.
I got to know you.

But what do you know about me?

I'm sitting here, tears are streaming down my cheeks, and you want to know what makes me the most sad of all? It's that I can't talk to you right now, you can't make it all better. And that would mean the world to me.

hmmm [dot dot dot]

I think... I'm not too sure what I think. I've been thinking a lot, lately. And I don't like to share my findings. But, I know I should share them. I just don't know how to share them.

Gargh.

I just want out of this house. I don't like it here. You know how you always here teenagers whining about "My parents don't understand me, they don't get it," and there is always that one person that says, "Well, I think they do, they were your age once."
But sometimes, the teenagers, they are right. Their parent's don't understand them. Because for something to be understood, it needs to be known. Mum doesn't understand me. She doesn't know me. She can't judge. The second that she does get to know me, then you can slap me in the face, and tell me that I am such a whiny bitch, and send me on my way. But right now, I say, suck to you, sir.

It's one of those times where I keep on checking my phone. Even though I know that it hasn't gone off. Every five minutes or so, I'll check it. And each time I get a tweet, I get excited, and then see that it's only a tweet.
I can smell you. You know, that one whiff of sent that is carried on the wind. That you breath in too quick, and long for more. I just want a hug. I just want to talk. Come on msn, please. Facebook. Something. Anything!! I just want to know what is wrong!!!! I know that I can't do anything to help, but I just want to know, and sit there, and help, and be nice, and

And

I feel like I'm in ultra blogger mode tonight. It's like, I want to write it all down, but when I sit here with the computer in front of me, I have no clue what words to put onto paper.

:/

The world is full of idiots, and that is the case.

Dreams.

Ohk, Night befoore last, I had a dream where drama was all over, we were all shit-faced, and Harry kissed me. He had food in his mouth. It was weird.

Last night, however, my dream tipped the weirdness scale over the edge.

There were cats. Lots of them. That weren't supposed to be in the house. I don't know how they kept on getting in, but there was like, three of four other cats >< One of them was a kitten. Maybe two.

Oh, and there was also a baby moose.

O________________________o

WHY.
I don't know.
But there was a baby moose in my dream.
And I was caring for him, and wanted to keep him.
He was so cool!

Anywho, Brodie was staying thee night. But we weren't allowed to sleep in the same bed. Manda said no. Someone else was staying the night, I can't remember who... I think it was Tony [??]
I also think that for a while they were in the same bed, And Tony got a hard on. [???]

Anyway, Brodie was in my bed, I was on the floor next to my bed and the other person (It switched between Tony and a woman) was next to me on a camp stretcher on the floor.

Night came and went, the moose slept with me (he was so cuddly!) the cats were fucking everywhere! I went to have a shower, and by then Tony/Woman had left. Brodie was in Ella's room, which had some how become massive. Brodie had had a very good dream, and I was trying to get him to cover his [cough] shame, and my granddad came in. And was talking to all of us. And it wasn't until I left that I realised that he didn't know about Brodie, so I was freaking out, but we still needed to get him into the shower, and dressed (or undressed ;D) but I still needed to hide him from Auntie Noni.

And then I woke up.

I don't know what the dream meant. But, just the fact that I couldn't touch Brodie, I wasn't allowed to hug him, or sleep with him, and when we got some time alone, I woke up, it can't mean nothing. I guess I just miss him. A lot. I just want a hug.
I don't understand why Tony was in there, and that kinda freaked me out, tbh, and I don't know why there was a baby moose, or millions of cats, but I guess that there just was.

WHY WAS THERE A BABY MOOSE???

Huh.. Apparently, a moose in your dream "represents long life and longevity. It may refer to the elders around you. Alternatively, a moose indicates that you can be both powerful and gentle. You exert your power only when it is necessary."

Good thing or a bad thing?

Salut

This would all just be easier if you told me to my face.
Get this over and done with.
Save us both from the misery.
Either that, or talk to me.
Talk to me like we used to.
Talk to me like we're carefree once more, like there isn't a worry in the world.
Like we're the best of friends again.
Ask me the right questions

-...-

Hmmm. It's always different. In ways, I wish it'd all just go away, and everything would go back to normal. But, then again, this is normal.

Or is it?

I feel as if this is just someone else's life that I've borrowed for a while. It's not mine to keep. It's not mine to have and to hold. Like the baby. She was mine, I gave her to someone else, then I got her back. This life was mine, now I've traded it. I'm waiting for it to all go bad once again. I know it will. It always does. Always.

I don't know what to do :/
Every inch of me is exposed.
I want to hide again.
But, I think that I've never stopped hiding.
"Just ask the right questions, and I'll tell you all. Please, just ask me, that's all I ask of you."

It is.

It's the rush of adrenalin before the cold.
The scream that drowns to silence.
The glistening red that consumes your vision.
And the tears that take it all away with it.

How.

"And if I told you everything I wanted, would you close your eyes, and look away, and say you didn't hear. There are so many things I need from you, so I'll sing 'til I just can't sing no more."

I need to say so much. But I don't know if I can. Because even the walls have ears.
Oh, but although the walls may have ear, I have my eyes, and how they have been misguided. They thought that they saw a man of multitudes, that would never stoop so low. They thought that they could trust you. But, you would. Of course you would. You along with every other man in the world.

Why is it so much to ask for? Really. I would like to talk to your face. If you can stand to see mine.

I've just been slapped in the face. I've just been slapped in the face after I've been in an accident, and my stitches have ruptured.

Please realise what you are. Please. You are all that and more. Please.

For some reason, the song line that comes to mind is, "It seams like everything was just starting to fall apart" But it's not... It's all just turning right. I'm all good, now. I'm happy. I am really, really happy now.


Thanks.
xx

hmm, people are actually following this? Why [dotdotdot]

Last night, I had a dream. I had a baby. A beautiful baby girl. I had her without my mother knowing. And, also without ever having sex, lol. I managed to do it all without mum knowing, and I brought her to school the next day. I hadn't named her yet. And, for some reason, I gave her to Fern. For two months. And, when I got her back, it was like her mind was two years ahead. She had teeth. She could talk. But I loved her. So, so much. I carried her around in my arms, and never wanted to let go. But, then, I was walking to drama. I went out along the street to get there, because the grass was still roped off. And she said that she was hungry, so I went to head back to the cafe, to go and get her some food - she had told me that Fern had fed her normal food - but Mum came along, and I had to get into the car (for some reason she knew that I had a baby now) and I couldn't get her food, or a drink. She said that she was so thirsty. But, I had to tell her to wait, and I felt so bad for her. She was so small, and fragile. And, when she didn't get water, she shrivelled up. And she nearly died, and I had to do this weird thing, where I pretty much had to drown her in water to make her drink. I felt like I failed as a woman, as a mother, as everything. And I couldn't take it.

She was my little bundle of joy, she was my baby. She didn't even have a name, she didn't have a birth certificate, she was no one. She was dying. And I couldn't do anything to help her.

Help me. Please.

I feel so horrendously and utterly inadequate. I couldn't even do something that is supposed to be so simple, so right, so frikken natural and I couldn't. Even. Get. That. Right.
Gargh.
It all failed so utterly miserably, and my god. I feel so ashamed. So... Like, an abomination. I feel revolted, and disgusted at myself for fucking up so. Fucking. Badly.
He says it was fine. It's not fine. It is so not fine.

I feel wrong. I feel violated. I feel empty, like something is missing. well, it is missing. But it just doesn't feel right. And this will be etched in our brains forever. Forever.

I want to go and sit out in the rain right now. I wish to have the harsh bitter cold drive a new pain into me, so that I can forget about this one. But, I'll never forget about this one. Ever. No amount of alcohol or substance can erase what you already know to be burned into your mind forever.

I'm writing this at the hope that someone might just reach out. That someone might say something. But, I know that they wont. I, like a million and one thousand others write until I can't write any more in the vain hope that someone will read this and hear my pain, but no one ever looks. No one ever notices. And, why should they? Precisely. Why should they.

And I don't want to tell you. I sure as fuck do not want to tell either or you. I have got no fucking clue who the hell you've already told the small amount that I have mentioned. I'm betting that you're boyfriend already know. Fuck, how I hate him. He is always there. Yes, I get it, he is your boyfriend. But, what happened to us? What happened to the times that we used to spend together just chatting, as girls do? Who the fuck else that you told????

Because I just can't. Fucking. trust you anymore.

awh, what?

Just playing a game, the end was soooo anti climatic! Wtf??

Also, on a side note, don't try and eat when you have a face mask on. It doesn't work out too well. And the mask tastes really funny :p xD

Gargh, I'm so cute.

Sent a text to Brodie last night, after I found my phone. It said something along the lines of:

Hey, Brodie:] I've only got three texts left, (so if I get stranded somewhere and have no way of contacting anyone, I'm blaming you) but, I just really wanted to say that I miss you. And I love you xx

xD to which he Brodaciously replied, "Awwwwwwww(whipped) Well, I'm home soon, and fuck, I'm horny(jk) love u xx"

ewh, babies.

Gargh. New Blog. This is exciting!

Lol, watching a thing on new mothers, the midwife was wearing a plastic shield over her face while she was delivering the baby.

Back to the exciting bit!

Hahaha.

So. New blog. I think that I may put all of my things on here. All of them. Every single blog I've ever posted. Starting fresh, but not forgetting the old. Tbh, I highly doubt that anyone will actually know that this is here, haha. I think that I'm going to tell a few. And then, this one will be everything. I mean, I don't actually mind people reading things like this. It gives them an insight to who I am, because I probably wouldn't tell half of you otherwise, haha.

But, when I think about it... I still wont tell anyone the full story. I never have, never will. On a side note, I'm getting really good at touch typing, I'm doing all of this in the dark X]

I've got so much that I want to tell you. I, really, just want to spill my guts about anything and everything [off topic, again, when I give birth, I want it by caesarian. No way in hell am I having everyone staring at my mafanwea!!] but I haven't told anyone about how utterly screwed everything is. No one. And I don't want to tell you. Because, it's not for you to worry about. I'll quite happily worry about you. That's my job. All of you. I like to help. But, I don't like talking about me. I'll quite happily avoid it at all costs, haha.

Axis of Awesome - 4 Four Chord Song (with song titles)

Epic XD

Not for a minute.

I don't like to have my phone on the charger for more than twenty minutes. I can't hear it go off when it's on there. But, it's no use. Because even when it's not on the charger, it irritates me so. I'll check it every five minutes. But you'll never text. I jump at the sound of it vibrating, and quickly whip it out to check, but it's only every twitter. Gargh, twitter. How I despise thee. You are yet to do me good.
Gargh. Please. Please, please, please, just text me? Let me know that you're still alive, I want to know that you're at least thinking of me. Because not for a minute have you left my mind.
A million and one thousand things are screaming in my head. And I can't seem to forget, can't stop thinking about you.

A Million and One Thousand

A million and one thousand things are screaming in my head
And I can’t seem to forget, can’t stop thinking about you
I could ride across the sky in a bicycle built for two
Could you teach me how to ride, like you taught me how to feel alive?

And not a single day goes by when I don’t wish for you
To watch me pause to find the words to steal your heart away
But I’ll play every word back round and round to try and find
A clue you might have left behind to say you feel the same

And even if I know
I’ll never be your Leo
I’ll keep holding on

A hundred and three thousand ghosts are laughing in my dreams
My eyes are failing me, everywhere I look I see you
I could bake a chocolate cake for you with tiers up to the moon
Could you show me how it’s done, like you showed me how to fall in love?

You’ll never see that I’m the one who never left you
When you needed me to cry to ‘cos your heart got broke again
So I’ll play until the strings on my guitar give out,
And I’ll be aching from the pain of trying to pretend

And even if I know
I’ll never be your Leo
I’ll keep holding on.